All right, ya’ll. I’m not much of a blogger, but here are a few short pieces that I offer up in hopes they’ll resonate with some.

Being the victim, finding the alchemist

August 28, 2022

Recently I reworked a self-narrative in which I was the victim. I had convinced myself I had no control in a dynamic that I was fully a part of, a dynamic that, in my narrative, was happening to me. I catch myself in this thought-pattern from time to time. I (compassionately!) catch myself in the comfort of having my back up against the wall. 

Before I go any further, let me stipulate that there are dynamics we are all a part of in which we truly bear little to no responsibility. I’m talking specifically about the times in which we do have say/ agency but maybe we didn’t exercise it and our hurt is real and we want none of the onus for it. I’m talking about one of those times.

On the inside, there is a running monologue of being the victim, the martyr and/ or the righteous one. From the outside, this could manifest as resentment, grumpiness, passive-aggressiveness, and/ or throwing in the towel. 

Once I’ve caught myself, though, the alchemist inside awakens with a start. I have the thought, “damn, I’m going to have to let go of this comfort of not having power.” I instinctively do a deep belly breath. What often comes in on the next breath (or, let’s be honest, a few breaths later) is the invitation of freedom, of the realization of my own agency. I let go of the resentment I had towards the other person and feelings of generosity and grace rush towards those people. 

I make darn sure I practice self-compassion in these moments. As parenting coach & podcaster Sarah Rosensweet talks about, no learning happens without self-compassion. 

Self-compassion as I remap who has agency. Self-compassion as I take responsibility. Self-compassion as I re-narrate what happened and, more interestingly, what can happen from here. 

I notice a pattern plays out for me in these situations. Patterns are helpful to me, because once I realize I am in one, I have access to an easier way forward. There can also be comfort in putting language to something unsavory. It’s a way of normalizing an experience and taking away the shame. Here’s the pattern I notice:

I am the victim. I have no agency in this situation.

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It feels kind of comfortable to be the victim. Retell & cement narrative that casts me as victim; others as evil-doers. 

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Woah… but I have resentment building up towards these people I love who I know aren’t evil. What is that about?

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Compassionately caught myself! Deep breaths.

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Invite new possibility. What else is here?

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Oh! I have a role here. I have responsibility!

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I have power. I have agency!

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Compassion for myself. Grace & generosity towards others. Where do I want to go from here?

This is not to absolve anyone else of their part. We all play a role. What I’m interested in here is specifically my role. I’m interested in getting out of a narrative on repeat that is keeping me stuck. When I release myself from the limiting perspective of the victim, I can get curious about my own role and re-engage from a place of power.

What my Chameleon Saboteur Taught me about Clarity and Confidence

October 18, 2022

The tectonic plate-shifting thing about saboteurs is when you discover that you have one, the possibilities of a different landscape break open. Uncovering and bypassing a saboteur has the power to change everything. 

For me, this discovery became key to unlocking my clarity and confidence. 

My saboteur was a chameleon. 

Shortly after I became acquainted with my chameleon saboteur, I began to lead with clarity, curiosity, and confidence. Okay, it wasn’t that easy, but our first meeting was rattling enough to get me on my way. 

Our first encounter happened in a quiet office in the California Bay Area on a Fall morning. It took me a few tries, but I finally wrestled free of her, at least enough to get a good look. 

I was a community organizer in San José, California during the housing crash of 2008. It was ground zero for foreclosures in the country. I was leading a campaign to keep people in their homes and enact local, state, and national policies to stop the foreclosures that thousands in our community were experiencing first-hand. Most of my work was done sitting with community leaders in their homes, in coffee shops, and in churches. I also sat around boardroom tables with politicians and directors of NGOs. 

The men in the room dominated much of these conversations and, despite my undeniable conviction for the cause, I often had difficulty speaking up. This was a problem. 

For the volunteer community leaders who attended these meetings alongside me, I was supposed to model  using my voice to advocate, not silence it.

That morning in my organizing coach’s office I described this dynamic. I shared my struggle with how to insert myself in conversation when it wasn’t technically “my turn” to speak. He wondered if my challenge stemmed from having relevant content to contribute or because I wasn’t actually hearing what had been said (and therefore missing the context). 

That idea that it might be possible not to hear what was being said had never occurred to me. This was exactly the root of the issue. 

What a simultaneously painful and relieving epiphany! There was a reason I was reluctant to contribute in those meetings and it was not for my lack of caring, intellect, worth, or attention. 

My lack of confidence in certain situations triggered my inner critic or saboteur, who was so loud that I could not, in fact, hear what other people were saying. This disconnect led to a roaring sense of self doubt, kickstarting a vicious, self-deprecating cycle. 

My organizing coach introduced me to tools to both identify and deal with my saboteur. One of these tools is called bypassing. While I was able to distill the intention of this saboteur was none other than to keep me safe, I became skilled at kicking it out of the room altogether. 

I found that once I knew what to anticipate in intimidating situations, I was ready to deal with that voice in real time, stay present during meetings, and be who I needed to be for the leaders and for myself.  I began to lead with strength, clarity, and honesty. 

Saboteurs are the chameleons of the human mind. They can be quiet, creeping in with such suaveness that you don’t notice they’re there. 

They whisper, “you’re too old to still believe in that possibility” or “that’s not practical”. They can be so stealthy, and buried so deeply in your subconscious mind that you don’t always notice they’re causing you to feel depressed. 

They can also be so loud that you aren’t able to be truly present to what’s happening in your life. They shout, “I can’t believe you just said that” or “you are never going to be able to change” so loudly that you can’t hear the other parts of you who may choose to pursue a perspective of curiosity. 

Your saboteur chameleons are incredibly savvy at camouflaging the landscape. If you’re struggling with how you show up in an area of your life and want to explore what could be standing in your way, schedule a chat with me. I can’t wait to support you to experience the “ah-ha” moment of clarity you so deserve.